Tuesday, March 22, 2011

How do you see yourself?

Greetings friends. Today my hubby blogged about me (big shock there) and my mini meltdown from the weekend. He said something in his blog that was so true and you know, when men break things down, devoid of estrogen and emotion, you can really get a different take on things.
He said, "she seems perfectly comfortable with her body design. Until she's not." Wow, that was brilliant, no truer words have ever been spoken. I know I'm not alone here, but I do think it's pretty much a woman thing, that one day you feel fine and confident and then the least little thing can throw you into that cavern of uncertainty that we like to call "low self-esteem" or for me, "Oh my God, my butt looks huge in this, did you get a look at my back fat? I hate my hair, nothing fits me, I'm sucha freeking cow!" Saturday night while getting ready to go out, I had that moment and I'm telling you it all started because I don't have anything that fits me well. I'm a firm believer that as you are losing weight you should make sure that things fit you along the way, and this hasn't been a problem until now, I'm officially at the end of my closet supply, I have no smaller sizes and I have purged my closet, leaving a few things hanging, that I should probably purge too, but I just can't bear to look at my closet with nothing in it. I know this is a good problem to have, I even have a nice gift certificate to spend on clothes, but each time I go to the store, I can't find anything that appeals to me. I'm scared to venture into the non plus size world, because I always feel like the police will come pat me down and insist I go back to the fat girl side of the store. I'm just at an awkward time and I'm between sizes. Trust me, I'm not knocking it, but I just need to bite the bullet and do some shopping.

My husband is right, I'm pretty comfortable with my body design, I have hips and a womanly figure, I'm okay with that, it's taken me more than 40 years to understand that you can't change your body type. I'm glad that curvy girls are accepted more now, and I'm glad that the 80's are gone, because there just aren't enough shoulder pads in the world to make my hips look narrow. I'm also glad that I'm married to a man who loves me, even when I'm having a crazy melt down. I can't imagine going through this past year without the support of my husband, he is so reasonable and I am so emotional, he helps to ground me.

I still haven't found my official before pictures that we took before surgery, I hope I can find them. I did get out my measurements and can tell you that the band and a year make for considerable change. I plan to blog on Friday, my actual one year mark. Every day I'm grateful for my band, I'm grateful for this community and I'm so grateful that my husband has been so willing to participate in this journey with me. I hope you all have a wonderful day and that together we will learn to be more accepting of what's looking back at us from the mirror!
Big Hugs,


Beth Ann said...

You are SO right! I hope you let yourself venture to the other side soon. I think you will be surprised at how much shopping is becoming!! :)

Read said...

Man! I just left this long assed post and it got eaten up. Oh well, it's probably for the best!

So... I was saying that when I read your husband's post this morning that it really spoke to me and I was going to say about a million different things, but then decided against all of them as he's not a woman and while he's madly in love with whatever insanity you bring he sure as hell doesn't need any of mine - LOL

And now we have your post - hello! (hand cupping around ear) are you speaking to me??? What is it with us? On one day I can look in the mirror and just love what I'm seeing, love the changes that are happening. And the very next I'll put something different on and Oh hell no! No way am I leaving this house looking like this 'ol little bag lady.

And I struggle with.. should I go buy clothes that flatter my figure right this second (I too will have a very 'womanly' body no matter what my weight) or should I just find a couple of cloth sacks to cover myself with until I'm down another size or two??? I think I'll be less in between in another 10 lbs or so, but that's probably dilusional.

Just recently I've been working through each drawer and each shelf and creating piles. Give to other boobs, burn, give to goodwill, will be able to wear soon. That, for me, is at least a possitive step - even if it hasn't solved whether or not I should go shopping now.

Go shopping Theresa! Get something sexy to go with all the rest of your sexiness!!

Kristin said...

TOTALLY agree with you about feeling just fine until... I don't. And it often has to do with not having anything to wear despite having a closet filled with clothes. I've been OK about weeding and donating as I go, but not always good at finding new things that fit.

Ay yi yi. It's a process, isn't it? I'm glad we can at least go through it all together. xoxo

MLM said...

How I have those see-saw days/episodes all the time! and you are so right that you should feel good in your clothes as you are losing (i struggle with wings on my pants). I still feel the same way about shopping in regular sizes (have done approximately 2 times), but you can do it! and when you do, it feels great!!

DiZneDiVa said...

Hey T... My One year bandiversary is tomorrow so we are almost band sisters. I can't think of a better time to update your wardrobe. I actually bought one or two things at Goodwill yesterday. I ain't too proud to save. Anyway, I am also between sizes but I have a bunch of wonderful things that the sisterhood has passed to me that I am almost in now... Yay! I think I'm losing even though I'm really not losing. You know the strength training building up my weak muscles and all. Anyway, Happy Bandiversary... Bandsister. *M*

Miss Vickie "The Queen Bee" said...

I have a gut, not a butt. I hate it! I exercise my ass off and I still have a tire roll and back fat! However, I have not been the least bit shy about buying new clothes that fit. I refuse to have a parachute ass in my pants! I will buy smaller sizes on clearance and sometimes it takes 4-6 months, but I fit into them eventually. I have been having a hay day buying cute dresses and shoes!!!! TJMaxx and Ross are my faves!!! Honey, get your girly figure out to the store and in the misses section, pronto! You deserve it!

Pie said...

Oh man, so much of this rings true! I can literally go to bed thinking, "Wow, I look good!' And wake up thinking, "OH MY GOD I'M A BIG FAT COW!!!" I keep trying to tell myself that it's all mental, but it only works half the time. If you figure out the trick, do tell! ;)

Sam said...

Please, I just have to catch a glimpse of why self in a wonkie window and I suddenly hate the way I look.

Store security camera's are the worst. I see this image of a fat woman, and it takes me a second to realise it's me. I dream of the day, the reflection matches the minds :o)

Amy W. said...

I was thinking about this today when I was getting ready after working out. Today I am okay with my body. But last week, or whenever it was, I couldnt even look in the mirror. I was also thinking about having clothes that fit and whether that makes you more likely to maintain your weight loss. But it hurt my head...so I stopped thinking about it.