Are hard to break. I'm finding this to be quite evident lately. My old ways of turning to food when I'm scared, sad, upset or tired are trying push their way to the forefront. I'm still in a bit of a court battle with my ex husband and he has made some ridiculous claims about me. Regardless if they are unfounded or not, I still have to employ a lawyer to deal with this bull and it really unnerves me. I find myself revisiting feelings that I would rather not. My ex husband is not nice and when I am forced to remember my life with him, it triggers a desire to overeat that is really hard to deny. Yesterday I entertained the idea of calling him, to try reasoning with him, I did not call him, but just thinking about it caused me distress. I hate the fact that this man can affect my mood in any way. I hate the fact that I still have to deal with him, because he is the father of my children. I wish that he and I could have a good working relationship, so that we could parent our children and just be nice. I hate the fact that my sweet current husband is affected by all of this crap too. I particularly hate the helpless feeling I have when my children are away from me and under their father's care. And, I hate the fact that all of this makes me want to mindlessly eat and binge. Yesterday I wanted chocolate, I wanted to eat a thousand pieces of Easter candy and chips with dip and all things that I used to medicate myself with before; all those things that brought me to the woman who was fat and hopeless and needed surgery to stop the feeding frenzy. When things are good in my life, my relationship with food is good too, but it's times like these that make me question myself. Change is hard, it's hard to deal with things in a new way. I did eat chocolate yesterday and some king cake, but I didn't eat a thousand pieces, I ate one of each. These days I'm sort of forced to feel sad when I feel sad and scared when I feel scared. But, today is a new day, the desire for chocolate is not as strong. I have a wonderful weekend ahead of me with the man I love. What more could I ask for. Have a great weekend.Big Hugs!
T
14 comments:
Sounds really tough for you and its completely understandable that you want what you've always turned to for comfort. I have no real advice but think that only eating a little chocolate is a victory!
But eventually, this nightmare WILL finish, won't it? The court case will conclude, the children will grow up and lead their own lives and make their own decisions to visit their father, and you won't even have to know, let alone deal with him ever again. And you have this lovely, funny, quirky man by your side, who knows what you're going through. He's better than chocolate!
You're brave Theresa - no question.
Caroline
Have a wonderful weekend my friend. I so feel for what you are going through with the ex. Why won't they just go away?
You are very strong. Not only are you dealing with these emotions as they come instead of stuffing them with food, you are also articulating your thoughts about this and reasoning with yourself why this change matters so much. This internal dialog is helping - and by letting us be privy to it, it helps us, too.
You are so very strong.
If only we could pick our problems, and more specifically, their timing. Then it would all be moot. :)
The one thing I hate most in this world is a bully. That's what he is. The awesome thing is that you are stronger than you were when you were with him. You can stand up and fight him this time..and you will not lose your footing.
I'm confident you will beat the cravings...and do what is best for Tessie!
Have fun this weekend.
You were MARRIED before?! I thought I was the first!
See you tonight :-)
I love love love reading your blog and watching you consistently growing and changing. It may feel like baby steps, but If I were to go back and read an old post the change is very evident. Change IS hard. And sista, you ain't alone. It's a struggle but you are in a very upsetting situation indeed, so don't be too hard on yourself. "You strong like ox" as Kristin would say!
Hang in there, Theresa. Ex husbands really do suck, but when the kids are 18, it does get easier. The only time you have to deal with him is when someone graduates or gets married. I hope you have a wonderful weekend with your terrific husband. Mine will be home on Sunday...can't wait!
So sorry you have to deal with your ex...he sounds like a jackass but I would think that of anyone who makes you feel sad and makes you doubt your marvelous self.
Hang in there...it will get better...because you're amazing.
Ack - stress is such a killer - in more ways than one. Its good though that you have a handle on it. Firstly realising that old habits CAN be slipped back into and secondly, that you have it in your head not to let it over-rule you. Go you!!
Love the title and the picture! Good one!
I'm sorry you are dealing with this...My only advice is to have the lawyer do as much of the communication as possible. I hope you are having a great weekend with your husband.
Love the introspection and self-acceptance while growing. I want to be like you... Hang in there-- no one will EVER be perfect, and that's not really what we're striving for anyway, is it? I am all about acceptance (but I need to emotionally LIVE that truth)... I believe that acceptance is the root of happiness in a busy, crazy, non-stop world.
Namaste girlie.
xo DL
ok - first of all - I heart king cake!
2nd - I anti-heart your ex
3rd - I think you're amazing and strong and wonderful and maybe a bit too hard on yourself. If you were over all your bad old habits - you wouldn't be human and we'd all be afraid of you. I hate hate hate when the habits rear their ugly heads (she says after just finishing a plate of loaded mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes). But I think -at least for me- the difference now is I'm at least thinking about it. I'm catching it earlier. I know those things are true for you too. It's baby steps that will get us to where we want to go!
You're still a rock star!
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